I'm so tired

Talking to people about it doesn't help at all, i think i'm just meant to live life alone

I cannot take this anymore, i don't see myself living past 18 really

That's just the reality of it. Sorry to anyone who had believed in me. But it turns out i cannot be helped... i tried to make a human connection with people but it just feels so awkward and forced. Everybody else seems to just be able to do it easily with no thought. but it's not that simple for me. Every conversation goes like this:

→ Hi
← HIIIII
→ Hru
← IMGOOD HBU
→ Im good

AND THEN I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY NEXT.
LIKE WHY IS IT SO HARD. i never have anything interesting to say to anyone ever... and i'm sorry if you're one of the people who i ghosted. You aren't missing much... and i feel like nobody truly enjoys my presence anyway... i usually get ignored by most people: my family and even people who i call my (online) friend. i tried to make a friend irl and it didn't go well, it was really awkward and i could tell i was bothering them. I also just get really jealous of other people and their friends and how long they have known eachother. And now that im out of high school, i officially went through the whole 4 years without making a single friend. I know nobody is actually going to read this, it's mainly just for after i'm dead, so they can at least understand what my last few weeks of life were like... and how i felt in those moments. In a way it's like a *** note i guess? If i ever one day i disappear just know i'm not suffering anymore :') All of those embarrassing moments will no longer haunt me. My family thinks i'm improving and getting better with the therapy, meanwhile i'm just agreeing to everything they say and yeah. Maybe stuff would have turned out well if we moved to North Carolina but that never happened... life lets me down again. But WHATEVER! The raccoons in my attic will keep me company at least...

Please don't message me about this if you read it.

Have a wonderful day (without me around to ruin it)